August 16, 2016 |
Recently, we’ve become rather obsessed with American Vogue. The website not the magazine. It’s literally changed our lives in ways we could never have imagined. Today, for example, we learned how the accessory of the summer is the humble towel, wrapped turban like around ones head. Or that the right headband can make you look forward to washing your face at the end of a long day. How did we ever live before? So without further a due, allow us to present our top tips for having better conversations according to American Vogue. Sort of.
Be curious and friendly to the strangers you meet every day:
Admittedly there’s something to be said about being curious, and friendly. But then dogs are both curious and friendly. Anything that devotes a large part of its days licking its balls is nothing if not curious. The thing about being both curious and friendly is that it invites attention. See dogs. And let’s be honest, you don’t want to engage in conversation with just anyone. Which is why you need a device to filter out potential catastrophes. Resting bitch face is one. Though why it’s called that we’ll never know. We just call it our face. Curiosity is another. But why not step up your curiosity a notch. Rather than ask where someone is from, so boring, why not ask how they would like to watch their nemesis to die. Maybe mention that you for example, would rather like to poke out your nemesis’ eyes slowly, with a blunt BIC biro. A lot can be said about a person based on their reaction to this line of enquiry.
Take off your mask:
Yes. Take off your mask. The only time it might be acceptable to wear a mask in public is Halloween. Or if striking up a conversation in the Torture Garden where a fair proportion of the attendees are similarly hiding their faces behind a thin layer of latex with strategically cut out holes. Other than that, the only people you read about wearing the things outside of a mask-wearing situation are serial killers. Such as Ed Gein. Admittedly, his were made from the skin of his victims, and it’s unsure whether he wore them during killing, but you get the idea. If you want to have any chance at striking up a conversation with a random stranger, remove the mask.
Empathise:
Empathy. You know that thing of placing yourself in another person’s shoes to understand how they feel. If you need to put on another person’s shoes to understand them then move on. Fuck knows what sort of state their feet are in, but generally, especially in the summer, feet is an extremely nice way of describing whatever it is people have attached to the end of their legs. Do you want to wake up with a rather potent fungus spread between your shoes? No. Conversations are started by talking, an oral exchange of words, not shoe swapping.
Search for the person behind the job title (and be willing to reveal yourself):
I could try and expand on this but I won’t because, what does it even mean and who cares? As for the revealing yourself part, see mask removal.
Adventurous conversation-starters:
See curious and friendly for tips. Other conversation starters include, would you like a drink? May I offer you a line? What prescriptive are you currently taking? How many personalities do you have? Got a six inch wanna play? Or even, have you ever heard of Dinosaur erotica? I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a Stegosaurus.
This takes courage:
Dutch courage. Order a round of tequila shots and knock em’ back in one like the sorority girl you are. It’s the only way. Don’t be a pussy.
Read American Vogue’s tips for having better conversations here
