October 30, 2010 |
If I see any of my friends dressed as a slutty animal or a vampire I will literally kill myself – your cellulite under those fishnets is killing me/vampires are for virgins who can’t drive. Here are my alternative outfit suggestions for Halloween and in fact all year round.
1. Sandra Bernhard on David Letterman
Sandra at her lowest ebb but looking fantastic; without work or girlfriend she crawls onto Letterman’s couch to vent. Wearing sequined, one shouldered Mizrahi which still cost an arm and a leg wholesale. She looks like she weighs about 7 stone yet still has bigger hair and lips than most mortals. A bravado performance in bitterness!
2. Stevie Nicks now
Yeah Stevie was great with her shawls and cocaine habit and whatnot. But she’s even better now, staring bitterly at a Tiffany lamp and lamenting her misspent life!
3. Sex and the City – Bitch who falls out of a window
Lexi’s sudden and hilarious death makes a perfect outfit. Just act fat and past it and loiter near a window whilst declaring that New York/London/Paris/Milan/Scunthorpe is over. Also try to humiliate your host by calling them old.
4. The Only Way is Essex
Just stick on a vajazzle, forget your pants and wear very little clothing whilst bathing everyone else in the nuclear glow from your tan. If you haven’t got the body for it (I doubt it – some of these skanks are hella fat and still wear nowt more than a strategically placed ruffle) then you can be Nanny Pat and her sausage plait.
5. Gia Carangi as played by Angelina Jolie
This gives you an excuse to do a truck load of drugs, or at least pretend to. Rope your best friend into being her enabling blond friend and you’ll rule whatever ‘do you’re at. If sparkles aren’t your thing then you can be Gia in her lesbian phase and wear a black leather jacket.
by Jack Sunnucks
