Creature of Habit: Richard Gray On His Daily Uniform

Editor’s like: “Will you write about your uniform? And I’m like: “Eugh!” And she’s like: “Yeah.” And I’m like: “Dreadful!” Below, then, a word-spill of me and my shopping. Also known as an unforgivable stream of caffeine-fuelled insider clothes-chat that’s as boring as I am.

CAGOULE PIG

Here’s a conversation that never took place but could have:

“How many cagoules do you actually own?”
Me: “Last count, 27.”
“Do you have favourites?”
Me: “There’s definitely a ‘Sunday best’ – the black Prada nylon one with zip-front pocket and tie-pull waist. It’s the ‘Frank Ocean at the Met Ball’ one but it’s not padded. And I bought mine before him by the way.”
“Which designer do you wear the most?”
Me: “People ask: ‘What religion are you?’ And I say ‘CofG – Church of Comme des Garçons: Homme Plus, Homme Deux, Junya Watanabe and SHIRT’. Pop a lo-carb wafer on my tongue and I’ll inhale a bottle of altar wine. Just pull back the curtain on my cagoule confessional box and see.’”

NYLON THOT

Here’s another boring cagoule fact for all my fellow Junya-technical stans: recently, I’ve been back into cagoule Look 9 from AW18: the khaki one with hi-vis placket [see picture on the previous page]. Underneath, I wear a bright orange Jil Sander cagoule bought some time, I think, in the late 1990s. I can’t be any more specific, as, to be honest, that decade is all a bit of a blur (and a Blur). This is then layered: Sunny-D-orange Jil under zip-front khaki Junya. Think Comme des Marmalade showerproof sandwich.

*Just a thought: you know those people who really have a go at getting the very last and tiniest bits of yoghurt out of the pot? They reeeeally really go for it? On and on they dig, waggling their little spoons around, making a noise. That’s me. But cagoules instead.

#CARDIGANCORE

A cardigan is like a drug to me: my very own legal wardrobe-high.

That Undercover, oversized, three-button-front beauty in Harrods “SHOP!” That prize-winning Nanamica number on Grailed: “SNATCH!” That mohair nanny-job with diamanté buttons in Help the Aged: “EXCELLENT!” Cardigans – all sorts – we have a connection.

A neuro-modulator, probably in the forebrain, has rewired itself somewhere along my rather extensive shopping timeline to create a kind of “add-to-bag” knitwear reward pathway. Subject’s brain sees cardigan/subject’s brain releases dopamine/subject shops. I’m like a bee. The cardigan is the flower.

JEANZZZZZ

How long have you got to talk about jeans because Johnny Big-Yawn, here, has days and days and it’s got to a point in my uniform life where I’ve gone beyond “jean nerd” to “jean knobhead”. Here’s some proper denim knobhead care/advice. Treat your jeans – the best ones, the ones with the perfect colour/wash/fit – like your dirty best friend. My jeans: my perfect jeans, certainly this year’s, are from Korean brand Outstanding & Co. I’ve worn them just about every day (when I’m not wearing my perfect chinos, see below) for months on end and never washed them. You shouldn’t wash great denim. Denim fact.

To be honest, as I look down and sniff, the ones I’m wearing now are on the turn. Today’s honk is an exquisite up-sick of engine oil and horse box but mainly sprouts and toast. Sprouts on toast with horse box.

COCK SURE

We’ve all heard of Big Dick Energy: the absolute and unwavering confidence that comes with having a really substantial pee-pee in your underpants. Big Coat Energy is the cold-weather, on- show, same-thing. A Big Girthy Coat says: “I’m rich because I look rich”; it also says “I’ve made it!” It’s the gold Rolex, the plasma-screen TV and the SUV with added tech-y bits.

Heat-sealed seams = an extra inch
Gortex = girthy
Goose down + Gortex = disturbingly girthy (eggs included)

It’s surely no coincidence that the terms Big Coat, Big Car and Big Cock share the same opening letters. The Universe, clearly, does have a lavatorial sense of humour.