HOW TO MORPH INTO A GUESS MODEL

Being the Guess woman doesn’t come naturally, for who could be that wildly sexy without a little practice? Luckily you have yours truly to guide you through your three-step transformation, as inspired by Guess icons Claudia Schiffer, Anna Nicole Smith and Drew Barrymore.

1. Firstly, let’s look at Claudia, who somehow manages to be both glacial and tousled at the same time. Claudia’s enviable poise is what we aim to emulate. So, pile your hair atop your head, squeeze into a Guess bustier and put on the highest heels you can find. Then go into a coffee shop and see if you can order using just the emotion in your eyes. If this doesn’t work, you are allowed to point at what you would like, but only if you touch your hair and lips first. You are aiming to look as haughty as possible while remaining sexy – this is no easy feat, and you might end up looking demented. If you manage to order your coffee, you may move onto step two.

2. The next stage involves channelling Anna Nicole. You must have bleached hair for this. Put on all your diamonds and a silk robe. If you don’t have any diamonds, spend five minutes pondering where your life went wrong, chastise yourself and then put on some costume jewellery. Roll around on the bed for half an hour. Then ring up any men you know and ask them to drive you to a barn, a tree and somewhere with a beaded curtain, and once you get there, attempt to be as sexy as possible at all these locations. If in doubt, being sexy involves your breasts falling out of your Guess minidress. If you feel you’ve achieved the required level of sexiness, command your gentleman friend to buy you as much champagne as humanly possible and then spill it down yourself.

3. The final challenge, if you have got this far, is Drew. In a darkened room, apply to your face a 1920s brow and dark lips. When you think you’ve got enough lipstick on, put on more. When this is done, put on some boots and a Guess bra and knickers. Pump and strut purposefully from your house, find some chairs and pose sexily upon them until some men come. When the men come, make THEM sit on the chairs and then pose sexily on the men. At all times, maintain a furious-looking demeanour. If this is hard to keep up, bite your fingers à la Drew. You may also smirk.

If you feel you have passed the final challenge, then congratulations: you have become the Guess woman, and my work is done.

 www.guess.com

by Jack Sunnucks