November 25, 2014 |
How does one become a man is a question we have often asked ourselves. Is it as simple as acquiring a penis? Or a Y chromosome? Or being from Mars, because men are, after all, from Mars. Which then suggest that they are in fact Martians who have successfully taken over the human race. Or is there more to it? In the spirit of a self-help book, here are our tips for being a man, none of which involve surgery.
1. Say you’re a man. Say it loud and say it proud. If you say you’re a man, you are a man, and who is to say any different? Own it. Unless you are actually a woman dressed as a man; if this is the case, some people might point it out. But then, still own it. Maybe one day you will be a man and those people will feel very foolish for pointing out otherwise. Look at Conchita – would you tell her she wasn’t a man? No. Because you know what? It takes a man to win the Eurovision while belting out a Shirley Bassey-type number in a sparkly dress. Actually, it takes a bearded lady.
2. Shine your shoes. Press your shirts. Remove the creases from your clothes. If you must have facial hair, maintain it. Look at ZZ Top. It might be long. But it always looks clean and well brushed. There are no tangles in that bush. And they dressed sharp. Which is why they got to sing about dressing sharp. And every girl being crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man. Every boy too for that matter. Anyway, just because it’s on your face doesn’t mean it should receive less attention than your head. In fact, it should receive more.
3.Do not wax. Men have hair. Men are hairy. Hair is what happens when you become a man. The more hair you have the manlier you are. Boys do not have hair because they are children. If you want to be thought of as a child, then by all means wax away, have the hair ripped away from every inch of your being. If you want to be a man, however, don’t.
4. Join the Cub Scouts. Apparently (well, according to Ted), it’s a well-known fact that men who are manly, nine times out of 10, were Cub Scouts in their youth. As Ted says, not being one is the reason for his lack of manliness and heightened femininity.
5. Master the ability to play with fire and not cause arson. It’s not as easy as it looks.
6. Don’t define yourself by your paycheck. There’s more to being a man than the number of zeros on your payslip every month.
7. Exercise, but do not overexercise. Look at Greek statues. Have you ever seen one blown up to the proportions of a young bodybuilding Arnold Schwarzenegger? No. Fashions for muscles come and go like hemlines; Greek statues have been around for hundreds of years and people still consider them the ideal of the human form, so think about it.
8. And on that note, don’t follow fashion. Men do not follow fashion, men are not trendy. Men have style.
9. But above all else, dress the part.
By Natalie Dembinska
