November 22, 2014 |
Beards are relentless. A constant attack on the eyes, fronted by facial hair. They could even poke you in the eye, if you happened to get too close, and actually blind you. Well, maybe not, but they’re definitely an eyesore. If you were to be entirely honest with yourself, you have not seen one beard since 2008 that you actually liked.
Pre-2008 beards are fine. They are worn by men who are manly and want to communicate this to the world at large via the medium of facial hair. Post-2008 beards are not. They are, to use a most hideous word, hipsterish. They’ve become a style statement. In fact, if you saw a bearded man walking towards you you would probably turn your back on them and walk away. Beards speak of boredom. Of men who want to want to be manly, who wear lumberjack shirts and like to think that they could survive in the wilderness and chop up a tree for firewood, but would probably die if they were forced to fend for themselves in any other way than foraging for a rocket leaf in Borough Market (because the latest food craze is all about foraging, don’t you know?). And then foraging in Pret during your lunch break from whatever cool hipster job you happen to be doing at the moment. Probably something to do with graphics or advertising. The kind of job that lends itself well to horn-rimmed spectacles and lumberjack shirts. Apart from being a lumberjack, that is, and do you actually need glasses? Because last time I checked, people with 20/20 vision do not wear glasses. And while we’re on the subjects of things you are not, can we add God to the list, please? God is the original bearded man – well, at least I’ve always imagined him to have a beard, and in any cartoon or film he’s featured in he usually has a beard, apart from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, where he showed up as Alanis Morissette, but then, he’s allowed to do that, he’s God, he created the world in seven days, and the Alanis moment only lasted something like two minutes. And at least when he morphed into Alanis, he did it well. He looked like Alanis. Half the beards you see walking the streets don’t even look like beards. Why would you want to wear something that brings to mind a severe case of male-pattern baldness on your chin? Or something so wispy it could only look like it’s a beard to someone who is severely visually impaired. Which would lead me to conclude that those who sport such facial foliage must themselves be severely visually impaired, because what other explanation can there be? You can’t seriously think you look damn fine when you look in the mirror every morning. Maybe it’s time to buy some glasses with actual lenses rather than just glass. It would appear that there are some men out there in desperate need. Or better yet, just pick up a razor.
By Natalie Dembinska
