April 27, 2013 |
Finally, something that Donatella and I have in common (apart from a love of talking very fast and opulent interior decorating): a great taste in men. For her new fragrance, Eros, has unleashed something deep within me that previously I doubted the existence of – a desire to exercise. More precisely, to become what one might term “a hotty with a naughty body”, akin to the one in the advert. Donatella imagined her new scent being “for a man who is both heroic and passionate, like a Greek god”, and obviously Greek gods only wear minuscule Versace underwear, all the better for showing off acres of toned and bulging flesh. Everything is sculpted, even his hair, crowning his head in slick waves.
I want to be a Versace boy. I am tired of being imprisoned in this small, slouched and not particularly toned body. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I’m convinced that I see Gollum looking back, wide of eye and haggard of face. Not particularly hot. I am similarly sick of conceptual fashion in sombre colours. I want to be luminously tanned, blond and bursting out of Versace mesh pants, absolutely doused in Eros, so much so that people on the street will give out little gasps of desire when I pass. With muscles so hard it will be as if Medusa herself had sculpted them with her stony stare. I haven’t yet decided whether I’ll stomp or waft. Maybe it will be a mix of the two, a sort of purposeful saunter, accessorised by billowing Versace fabrics. Donatella says Eros is a scent that “depicts and emphasises power and sensuality”, and I guess the only way to look powerful while clad only in pants is to look like you could pound the living daylights out of someone (ahem). And thus a terrifying-sounding man called Yuri will shortly be giving me a tour of the gym closest to my house, which also happens to be the most expensive. If worse comes to worst, I can just steam myself stupid in the spa and wear bucket loads of Eros.
by Jack Sunnucks
