March 13, 2013 |
In the words of Sir Mix-a-Lot, “I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny. That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tough. ’Cause you notice that butt was stuffed deep in the jeans she’s wearing. I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring. Oh baby, I wanna get with you. And take your picture.” And while we might admit to a fondness for a derrière that resembles a ripe peach into which we would like to sink our teeth, our fascination with this particular body part pales into insignificance when compared with that of the average Brazilian, who is, to put it mildly, slightly obsessed. In the way John Hinckley Jr was obsessed with Jodie Foster. Minus the creepy letters. But how does one cultivate a behind worthy of such worship? There are, of course, some who are naturally blessed with a fine, gravity-defying derrière, but the rest of us need some work. The key, apparently, is your glutes, which can be honed with a strict regime of regular squats and lunges and other similarly exhausting activities. But, quite frankly, who has the time for that? And let’s be honest, you could lunge for a year and nobody would be any the wiser. What you need is surgery (it is always the answer). The results are instant. You could consider implants. It would be like having a permanent personal pillow attached to your behind at all times. Sitting would suddenly become more comfortable. Admittedly, there was that girl whose surgeon accidently put in breast implants, but is that really such a bad thing? Who wouldn’t want a small, pert bottom? You could also inject fat. Bottom fat has been injected in faces for years, so why not take it a step further. Why not, for example, when you book in for your yearly stomach-lipo session, have your surgeon inject your fat straight into your bottom? Rather than having to worry about disposing of it in a safe manner (which, as we know, is a hassle), he could just connect a tube from belly to bottom and redirect. When you think about it, putting foreign bodies into your own body is always a bit dodgy. So it’s better to work with what you have. Who knows, such are the advances in modern medicine that, in two years’ time, even excess arm, thigh and calf fat could be redirected to your arse. All you would need to do is lie down for a quick half-hour during your lunch break; on waking up you should find you have the arms, legs and bottom that any Brazilian super would kill for. Hence our top hot bottom tip being surgery. Instant results, even on your lunch break.
Text Natalie Demibinska
