March 19, 2012 |
FROM THE VAULT- THE CHINA ISSUE (WINTER / SPRING 2012)
I swear I saw a UFO over Sainsbury’s the other day. Oh, and I’ve had my tarot cards done twice in Camden Market – £25 a pop – I’m in the wrong game. Anyway, I believe it all: little green men, Pan, Peter Pan, Peter Pan collars, Pan’s People – I love it. Claire Petulengro – why are they always called Petulengro? – that one in the smelly caravan on Brighton Pier, said I had “a guiding hand pushing me in the right direction”. Find below your Chinese horoscope for fashion, a kind of “ooh, what year were you born?” and, “ooh, what would you wear?” type thing.
The Rat
(Jan 28, 1960-Feb 14, 1961; Feb 15, 1972-Feb 2, 1973; Feb 2, 1984-Feb 19, 1985)
From your mind-bending recreational highs to your gazillion-dollar Hermès Birkin, you rats love the good life. You’re the first in the pub with the hilarious putdown; you’re witty and imaginative and terribly curious. And that rich, 40-plus silver fox standing at the bar, the CEO of a large European bank, you’ll be over there flirting and then taking your knickers off on one leg soon enough – oh, how you rats love an impressive title. What are you wearing today? That kicky dress from Balenciaga (Anna’s got the exact same one) and those shoes? The space-age silver flipflops from Christopher Kane, of course. He and Tammy are on direct dial, darling. Rats are terribly super-fashion.
The Ox
(Feb 15, 1961-Feb 4, 1962; Feb 3, 1973-Jan 22, 1974; Feb 20, 1985-Feb 8, 1986)
God, you’re boring. Plod, plod, plod. An ox is perfectly happy sitting at a desk sorting tax returns; laborious tasks suit you down pat. You’re the kind of customer they call “snobby” in shops because an ox refuses to engage in any kind of small talk: comments like, “Nice weather today” or “Cilla Black’s just bought that exact same pair of leather hot pants” just don’t cut the conversation mustard. You’re a loner and focused and fashionable in your own right. You’re on a one-woman mission for that two-tone shopper from Céline that sold out in London, but you’ll get it – by hook or crook or mail order, you’ll get it. Once an ox sets herself a shopping task, it’s eyes down and focus.
The Tiger
(Feb 5, 1962-Jan 24, 1963; Jan 23, 1974-Feb 10, 1975; Feb 9, 1986-Jan 28, 1987)
Raaaarrrggghhhh! Life is a competition for you tigers: crossing Oxford Street on amber to beat the red? You’ll do it. Watch a tigress in the shoe sale at Browns, there’s nothing stopping this woman from snatching those snakeskin Alaïa heels – you’ve pulled out entire chunks of weave before now to get what you’ve set your mind to possess. You tigers are born to lead, professionally and in your personal life, too: that navy dress with thin green belt by Berardi, the one that says, “I’m in charge here – is that a problem?” That’s you, no question about it.
The Hare
(Jan 25, 1963-Feb 12, 1964; Feb 11, 1975-Jan 30, 1976; Jan 29, 1987-Feb 16, 1988)
You’ll find a hare walking around the Comme des Garçons store in Paris and commenting in fluent French (hares are great communicators) on the “clever use of the colour red, in such a closed environment”. You hares have a good perception of design and beauty. Worn underneath your Tao coat from the very first collection is an old John Galliano slip dress you found at the Clignancourt flea market. Your shoes are flat and naïve and look a bit like drawings and, in your vintage school satchel, is a something by Edgar Allan Poe: “When I read his work, I forget to breathe,” you’re always saying.
The Dragon
(Feb 3, 1964-Feb 1, 1965; Jan 31, 1976-Feb 17, 1977; Feb 17, 1988-Feb 5, 1989)
The woman with the black bobbed hair, the pencil-thin power goddess in Chanel is a dragon. Dragons are the most dominant of all symbols. You are single-minded and determined. Dragons can spit fire and spit fire fast, so everybody else, watch out. The dragon is the CEO, the politician; they are clever and quick and can be terribly charming. Dragon woman will get what she wants but, oddly, never feel that satisfied when she gets it. If she wants the Elvis-inspired Prada Baracuta jacket, she’ll have it, tracing her fingers over the top of the latest trends, rather than slavishly following them. You dragons are the most independent of fashion thinkers.
The Snake
(Feb 2, 1965-Jan 20, 1966; Feb18, 1977-Feb 6, 1978; Feb 6, 1989-Jan 26, 1990)
Snakes are such materialists. You love to dress your homes in the most luxurious of swags and decadent furniture. A snake will never be happy until her home is beautiful and in absolute order. We’ve all been seduced by a snake – they are born seducers. The snake will charm you in her Versace frock and black leather bomber with the cut-out sleeves, and her eyes will entice the vainest men to gaze at their reflection. Woe betide any other woman who tries to take a snake’s man, too – she’ll come down hard. Snakes guard their men jealously.
The Horse
(Jan 21, 1966-Feb 8, 1967; Feb 7, 1978-Jan 27, 1979; Jan 27, 1990-Feb 14, 1991)
“Who IS that blonde in the middle of the dance floor in the orange leather Gucci frock?” “That’s the horse, symbol of energy and outgoing nature. That girl is always the centre of attention; her aorta is hardwired to the bar.” Don’t ever steal a drink from a horse if you fancy keeping your kneecaps, they can throw a prissy hissy fit with the best of them. Quick to decide and sometimes petulant, a horse is the kind of woman you’ll see queuing to take back that £76,000 bag in tie-dye python she bought on a whim, only to spend the money on something equally ridiculous. Petulant mare! Perhaps there’s a little of the horse in all of us.
The Goat
(Feb 9, 1967-Jan 29, 1968; Jan 28, 1979-Feb 15, 1980; Feb 15, 1991-Feb 3, 1992)
If the goat were a fashion house, it would be Dries Van Noten. Creative and intelligent, you goats are painters and cooks and poets and your clothes reflect it. Spot a goat in 1940s floral tea dress or Jonathan Saunders dirndl skirt. Goats are gallery owners and poets; they appreciate culture, preferring to hang out in the library, not the latest trendy boutique. When you’re not rifling through your books on healing crystals, you’re dwelling on the power of a cornflower placed in a mock Ming vase. And you’ll be texting Moonchild, your spiritual healer, to tell her that later.
The Monkey
(Jan 30, 1968-Feb 16, 1969; Feb 16, 1980-Feb 4, 1981; Feb 4, 1992-Jan 22, 1993)
This cheeky chapess loves to play a joke or three among friends and colleagues: “I swear I’ve just seen Michelle Obama coming out of Agent Provocateur with a blow-up doll and a bag of steel-tipped vibrators. No, I’ve not, I’ve just made it up. I. AM. COMPLETELY. BONKERS!” And everybody groans because you’re always saying you’re completely bonkers. If you’re not browsing the internet, looking on Perezhilton.com (you monkeys are fascinated by other people’s lives), you’re trawling the wares from Moschino. “It’s so me,” you say repeatedly at the “Su Pollard, I’m a bonkers chalet maid, whoops there go my marbles” style clobber.
The Rooster
(Feb 7, 1969-Feb 5, 1970; Feb 5, 1981-Jan 24, 1982; Jan 23, 1993-Feb 9, 1994)
Roosters don’t mince their words: “Sorry, you who looks a bit like Mary Portas, have you just walked into the Grazia sample cupboard turned round twice and walked back out again? Do you really wear leggings and a long top with a biker jacket over 40?” If you’ve been to the shops, the rooster has been to the moon and back again. Ask the rooster the meaning of life and she’ll turn round and tell you – oh, how we all know a rooster. Roosters are the kind of birds who turn up to the Paris couture shows in a ludicrous borrowed ball gown and a fascinator type hat thing that looks like a washing machine-cum-xylophone teapot. You’ll be photographed a lot, soliciting opinion and posing for pictures. Roosters are life’s foremost show-offs.
The Dog
(Feb 17, 1958-Feb 8, 1959; Feb 6, 1970-Jan 26, 1971; Jan 25, 1982-Feb 12, 1983)
Dogs are nice. Dogs are the ones who’ll offer the kindest of advice. Take a dog shopping to help that perfect dress and there’ll be no nasty agenda. Make a dog your loyal friend and she will never steal your fashion thunder. Dogs are more M&S stealth than minimal white shirt from Phoebe Philo. The dog is a friend to have in times of trouble, too. Lost the butterfly back to your Bulgari chandelier? “Use that little rubber on top of your pencil instead,” she’ll say. Bless. A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.
The Pig
(Feb 8, 1959-Jan 27, 1960; Jan 27, 1971-Feb 14, 1972; Feb 13, 1983-Feb 1, 1984)
Labels, labels, labels; there’s nothing inconspicuous about Miss Piggy’s shopping sprees. She’s bought it. She wants you to know she’s bought it. And guaranteed it will have gold buttons. Semaphore is for bores; this is about glitzy and golden, the most expensive and finest. “See this? Cost me a fortune,” says the pig, pulling on her Kanye West fur backpack. You pigs aren’t bad, just flash. Caution, however: excess in all things can lead to ill health and you’d be advised to keep an eye on the waistline. Squeezing into Pleats Please is never ideal for the glitzy cochon.
by Richard Gray
Richard Gray is online editor of The Sunday Times Style
