August 22, 2016 |
Everyone knows that groupies are fragile souls, looking for love in all the wrong places, while also simultaneously being the ultimate sex symbols/role models we look up to/females we want to be when we grow up. They might also be in possession of slight nympho tendencies, but don’t hold that against them. After all, they are/you will be just a very enthusiastic follower who tries her best to support the artist in whatever way possible. Groupie-dom, in some ways, is very similar to conquering Mount Everest. Preparation is key.
- Stalk. Yes, stalking does sound wrong, and we’re not saying you should become some creepy version along the lines of Cristin Keleher, who famously broke into George Harrison’s house and cooked up a pizza. But an awareness of where and when your object of lust is performing is key, as becoming a groupie and rubbing up against a musician does require you to be in the same place at the same time.
- Dress in an eye-catching fashion. Not in a fashion way. Think sluttier. Something low cut and tight. And maybe leopard. With a push-up bra. Down which you’ve stuffed extra padding. You want to be noticed by your chosen lust muppet, so appear before him like an angel in the night sky. He is to be so overwhelmed by the beau-tay of your appearance that the other groupies, for there will be other groupies, will turn to drink to deal with their heartache after you have been pulled from crowd to stage to stand proudly by your man.
- Once you have been chosen, treat the object of your lust like a god because, let’s be honest, he is a god. If he weren’t, would you have gone to all this effort? And if you don’t besiege him with your worship, why would he bother to keep you around? There’s a sea of girls behind that dressing-room door who are prepared to do anything to get their hands on him. Think of them as lionesses protecting their cubs from predators. It will be messy. To stay safe, you must genuflect before your god.
- Most importantly, to paraphrase Miss Penny Lane, never take it seriously. If ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt. Ya never get hurt, ya always have fun. And always remember to never let them exploit your body and heart. Just blow jobs.
Taken from Issue 44 of 10 Magazine
