August 19, 2016 |
It’s Monday, it’s lunch time, I’m eating protein and reading Dlisted.com. I’ve also just made a discovery of such gigantic proportions that I think I might shit twice and die. In fact, I do. Well, not the dying part, but that’s another story. Ten, I have diarrhoea. Anyway, this could be the biggest thing since the discovery of penicillin. My life will never be the same again. I have found the secret to eternal youth, looks-wise anyway (the one brain cell I have left is barely going to last until Easter; drink does that to a person); baby foetuses. As wrong as this may sound, please hear me out before you judge- Priscilla Presley’s skin. I know, I know, she looks like the bride of Frankenstein after a particularly horrific car crash, but her skin… Baby-bottom smooth. Madge’s thighs- not the result of the magic powers of kabbalah water, as she might have us believe; she’s allegedly in on the secret too.
So, anyway, as acquiring a baby foetus could be costly and I feel i might be met with some resistance to the cause at my local neonatal unit, I am now a one-women baby-making machine. If my maths is right, that equals a new face every nine months. Please call me now on 0898 454 ****: You want sexy times, I want sperm. It could be the start of something beautiful- me. I promise not to ask for child support or to send you the plastic surgeon’s bills. This is better than a face-lift. Not only do you get to avoid the tell-tale stretch, you get new skin, too. 12.53pm: BREAKING NEWS- Demi’s knees have also allegedly been blessed by the unfunny formed ones. I knew I was on to something. Let people mock, I don’t care. Nobody believed Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round and look at them now, the fold. Ten minutes on Dlisted.com can change your life. It did mine- see what it can do for you.
Taken from Issue 30 of 10 Magazine
