February 2, 2013 |
“Today I met the boy I’m gonna marry. The boy whose life and dreams and love I wanna share. For on my hand a band of gold appeared before me. The band of gold I always dreamed I’d wear.” To which, Darlene Love, we say to you, well it goes without saying there will be a bloody band of gold, that bit is easy – get the jeweller right and we’re not too fussy about what it looks like, just as long as it’s gold. The 24-carat variety. What you fail to help us with – because rather than be a sister and offer some proper advice, you just state the obvious – is what the hell we should wear when we make our way down the aisle. A band of gold doesn’t do much to preserve modesty or underline our still-intact virginity, which thanks to a small procedure, is still intact. The band of gold comes mid-ceremony, so there are far more pressing issues to sing about than jewellery. Luckily for us, though, and no thanks to Darlene, there are still some kind, decent people in the world who have come to our rescue in the manner of a knight in shining armour. Mainly the devastatingly handsome Roland Mouret who, to be honest with you, we would leave our fiancé for in a second if he said the word. And our church. At whose altar we bow on a thrice-daily basis. Morning, noon and night. Net-a-porter.com. Roland, unlike Darlene, who does not care, wants his “bridal dresses to be a bit more sexy. I wanted to create something that is about you and your partner, a one-to-one private relationship with the dress – not just something to please friends and family”. There are five – the Breton, the Compeyson, the Hexam, the Jansen and the Maestro – all crafted from the finest fabrications in a palette of cream and white, and all available to buy from the church of high fashion to which we are most devoted. Each, apparently, comes “exquisitely wrapped in a white Roland Mouret garment bag, containing a special message from Roland, and each is sealed with a moleskin bow”. What they forget to mention, though, which if not more exciting is at least as exciting, is that the garment bag is then placed in a chic black bag with white Net-a-Porter lettering on its side, and delivered to your front door by a rather dashing gentleman dressed in a classy black suit. All that gentleman has to do is give us a sign and we’ll put on the dress and marry him in the back of his van. Put that to song, Darlene. Singing about weddings and rings is simple. Try putting a dream dress to music.
by Natalie Dembinska
