December 22, 2012 |
According to ZZ Top, who once starred in a John Varvatos campaign, every girl is apparently crazy about a sharp-dressed man. What they didn’t mention, though, was that a well-accessorised man has the ability to drive the masses into a heated frenzy. A well co-ordinated bag and shoe, and maybe hat, can make a statement more powerful than that made by David Hasselhoff when he sang Looking for Freedom on the Berlin Wall. Hasselhoff was not sharply accessorised. A red buoy does not inspire a frenzied mass. And we’ve always harboured a sneaking suspicion that the destruction of the wall was more driven by people’s desire to be free of a badly accessorised Hasselhoff than to be released from communist rule. Think how different the world would have been if he had only learnt to co-ordinate… Actually, we think that “accessorising peace” has a nicer ring to it than, say, “your country needs you”. You need the right accessories, though. Something from John Varvatos. The message you want to convey to the world is one of toughness with a little dirty and a little sexy. A rock’n’roll cowboy saving the world from Armageddon. Leather is good. Artfully distressed leather. Maybe in black and shaped like a holdall. You need something in which to carry the white doves that you will release into the air once you have achieved world peace. You could carry one of the leather flower pins, too, which are far more practical than real flowers, as they will not wilt from the heat or lack of water. Frenzied masses are easy to control with a floral gift and a foxy wink. A belt is also useful for whipping evil dictators into shape. The wavy one, the one that looks like an un-plaited plait, when lassoed and released, would (in our heads) splay into three separate strands, thus creating the ultimate whipping machine. A change of shoes is essential. You’ll need something sturdy, like a distressed buckle boot in an ombre brown-black finish, for trekking through deserts to locate secret evil-villain lairs. And a pair of smart brogues. The evil lairs are usually palace-shaped, therefore the footwear must be suited to such splendour. We’d also recommend some gloves and a hat. Maybe a furry thing with ears. People forget that the desert is a cold and lonely place at night. And it could double as a pillow. Truth be told, if you were to appear at some dictator’s secret hideaway, accessorised in heat-to-foot John Varvatos, he’d probably be so in awe of the vision he would relinquish his power and proclaim you king.
by Natalie Dembinska
