April 29, 2012 |
Winning an Oscar is a career high few will ever get to experience. Mainly because the majority of us are not actors, directors, or people with any desire to, at some point in our lives, disrobe in front of a camera so that adolescent boys for years to come can press pause at the right moment. Yet, despite all this, we feel that we are rather qualified to give advice on speech making. Don’t cry – heaving isn’t attractive. It also gives you a red face and, in some unfortunate cases, when combined with a scraped-back do makes you appear bald, ergo makes you look like a giant bawling baby. And don’t thank God. Or the guy who knocked you up for “giving you the greatest role ever”. It’s just naff. You’ll be mocked for years. Do, however, thank your parents/family/friends. It’s polite and nice. But don’t list them one by one. A simple I would like to thank my friends and family will suffice. No one cares about hearing you utter your third cousin twice removed’s name. And, to be honest, by the time you get to her she’ll probably have popped to the loo so will miss it. Don’t rehearse, it smacks of ego. And don’t have one of those lists in your pocket of things to remember or, worse, a speech. You’re supposed to be surprised. Surprised people are not prepared. And act humbled, too. “I can’t believe I won, little ol’ me… ” Yada, yada, yada. The audience will lap it up. If you’re any good at carrying it off, do do crazy. Do jump, do clamber over people’s heads to get to the stage before pronouncing that you are a watermelon ready to burst, like Roberto Benigni. Or drop to floor like Jack Palance and break out a few one-armed push-ups. More interesting than listening to you reel off names. And be quick. Really, who cares what you have to say? They wanna see who’s winning the next award, so wrap it up. All you really need to do is smile, maybe bow your head and say thank you. Just thank you will do.
by Natalie Dembinska
