December 27, 2012 |
This autumn, the world will not be invaded by aliens or killer robots or some psychotic intergalactic species we’ve yet to discover, oh no! There will be no Terminator stalking our streets. No Martian with a bulbous brain instead of a head pointing his laser gun in our direction when we try to show it that we will be occupied in a peaceful, non-confrontational manner by releasing a dove into the sky. No. This autumn promises to be very different from the one suggested by this summer’s blockbusters. This autumn, we will be invaded by an army of Hermès clones. They will descend upon London like a swarm of locusts. An unthreatening cloud of black. They will come, though, in peace. Their goal is not hostile takeover and the removal of our brains for research purposes. Their goal is to spread the message of immaculate tailoring. You, too, can look as suave as us, they will say as they lead us en masse to the Hermès Bond Street boutique in the manner of flawlessly dressed Pied Pipers. The delicate sheen of the wool-cotton-blend suiting that shines like silky mohair will hypnotise. You’ll fall into a trance and no longer be responsible for your actions. How will you be able to help ordering 10 custom-made suits to your exact specifications, cut to caress your every crevasse and ridge, be it elbow or knee, when your mind is under the control of a Hermès clone? They will whisper in your ear about leather that has been tamed. Beaten into submission by master craftsmen and tailored into the most divine jackets, trousers – and even suits – that you have ever seen. So smooth to the touch you’ll be tempted to call Hermès and ask if they would consider a different kind of personal order. One where your skin is replaced with their fine leather. You have the funds and it shouldn’t take that long. Two months tops, with healing time included. Quicker than a face-lift. The collection, apparently, was inspired in part by the idea of lookalikes and, really, is there anything you’d rather look like than a Hermès-clad being? No. Hence why, this autumn, the Hermès clones are coming. We will all be Hermès-ified. Hallalujah!
by Jack Sunnucks
