November 11, 2010 |
C’est vrai. J’aime mon carre. And when the pop up shop opens in London next, I’d very much like to add one or two to my growing collection. Unfortunately, I don’t have any money, never do. Shop lifting is not an option. That’s just plain rude. All thats left to acquire the necessary funds is to rob the nearest bank. So in the sprit of kindness, as we know a few of you will be in the same situation, here are some pointers on how to pull off the perfect heist courtesy of google.
Part One: Physical Fitness: This is very important. You will most likely be subjected to highly physically and mentally stressful situations during the robbery, and therefore will need to be in peak physical condition. This is essential.
Part Two: Choosing Location: This is also important. You only get the chance to rob ONE bank these days, so it has to be a big score. The bank or what have you should have enough money inside of it to give you enough cash to live for the rest of your life. I’m talking in the two to five million dollar range. Most banks probably don’t have that much cash around so you’ll have to do research. Perhaps you could rob a casino? 
Part Three: Detering Law Enforcement: The first thing you need to realize is that you can’t outrun the cops. You can’t get away, and you can’t hide. If they think you are going to get away, they will try to kill you and you probably don’t want that to happen. If you do happen to get away, there are going to look for and successfully find you. The best way to stay alive would be to hook your body up to a dead man switch. Have a heart monitor or two hooked up to yourself and have it set to blow up different things when it detects that your heart has stopped. Have your monitor poised to send signals to bridges and buildings all over the city. Also, make sure you can demo your abilities to the police, because they would probably not beleive you otherwise. This is basically the key to the whole heist. You could even wait until there is an electrical storm, and have the device trigger rockets that are connected to copper spools of super thin wire and force lightening to strike whatever you choose. (Seen it done on discovery channel, it can be done pretty easily with big model rockets). 
Part Four: Escape. You can either flee to somewhere where the governemnt can’t get you such as a non extradition treaty country, or you can hide forever assuming you get that far. Personally, I beleive the best way to get away would be to fake your own death (I would do all three). While this may be a daunting task to say the least, it’s also safe to say it would be the most likely to make your post crime spree life easy. You would need to die in a fashion that totally destroys your body. A plane crash, being sucked into a hydro electric dam, falling out of a plane over water; any of these things would to fine. One somewhat elaborate setup would be to get a Cesna and fly out over the ocean. Have the plane explode in mid air over the water, or just crash into the sea. Do this via remote control, and make sure that you are thought to be in the plane when it crashed. This actually would’t be overly hard to set up given a reasonable amount of time to work on the plane.
I LOVE MY SCARF EAST
Open from November 18th- November 21st.
Rochelle School of Art. Club Row entrance. Arnold Circus. London, E2 7ES.
I LOVE MY SCARF WEST
Open from November 25th.
79- 81 Ledbury Road. London, W11 2AG.
by Natalie Dembinska
