May 12, 2012 |
Are you continually on the search for the perfect torso? Do you spend your days trawling Google for a vision of good muscle definition? Do you watch YouTube clip after YouTube clip of Baywatch, or even Jane Fonda’s exercise videos, looking out for something beefy and golden wearing something small and Lycra? Something worthy of you pausing, screen grabbing and setting as your screensaver? Well now, dear readers, your search is over. Once again, we have taken it upon ourselves to lend you a helping hand. We are the Buzz Lightyear to your Woody. As Randy Newman once sang to us, and we now sing to you, “you’ve got a friend in us”. For we have uncovered, after months (well, maybe a week) of searching, the holy grail of male torso, the pinnacle of hunk in trunks-ness. His name is DSquared² model. Our life is now divided into two chapters: BC (before chest) and AC (after chest). For this is not a chest. This is a feat of engineering. When he walks, his body quivers, a ripple on water. Personally, if were to put in the actual hours at the gym and somehow achieve such physical perfection, we’d never put it away. Instead, we’d use it as we do our face: for self-expression. When surprised we would raise both pecs; when questioning, just one. Why raise a brow when you can raise a nipple? People would take notice. You’d get all the hottest boys in Mykonos swarming towards you like bees to honey, each begging for the chance to rub some baby oil into those well-defined abs. We only mention the Greek isle as there just happened to be a backdrop of it for this particular segment of the show. Dean and Dan are, of course, well aware of the power of a muscly chest and take full advantage by dressing the rest of the body up in something small and well cut, preferably in a nice bright colour (eg a hot pink), to offset the taunt golden skin that rises above it. We like to think of this flashing of prime male real estate as a “giving back to the fans”. Fans who have loyally followed and supported the brand from its inception. We like to imagine that this is Dean and Dan’s way of saying thank you. You could take a picture, cut it out, affix it to your own meagre chest and pretend, for just one day, that you, too, are more Adonis than civilian. You could also, quite simply, set it as your screensaver. See: we told you the search was over.
by Natalie Dembinska
