April 30, 2011 |
Let’s be honest, unless you’re stuck on some remote island with a population of zero, shorts are a sartorial minefield. Nine times out of 10 you’ll end up looking a twat. Men in shorts, unless you happen to be an athlete of some sort and they’re a mandatory part of your uniform, should be, to quote the three wise monkeys, “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil”. Or they were. Until “the short”, the ultimate in half-leg trouser wear, made an appearance at the Dolce & Gabbana show. It’s done for men’s legs what the Wonderbra did for Eva Herzigova’s breasts back in the 1990s.
The key to the perfect pair of shorts is the right length. To quote Glenn O’Brien, “If your shorts hang 4in above your shoe, they’re not shorts.” They should end no shorter than 5cm above your knee. They can’t be too tight – you don’t want to resemble Lance Armstrong in full Tour de France regalia. Nor should they be too loose, for you are not a 15-year-old, acne-ridden skater, and the only reason they get away with boxer-flashing is youth, extreme youth. What you’re aiming for is a relaxed-fit, flat-fronted, chino-esque number. No fussy detailing, no pleats, no cargo pockets.
The only embellishment, should you insist on one, should be a simple belt – we rather like the idea of some natural cord, harking back to a simpler time, a time in our previous life when we were a young fisher boy in a little Sicilian town by the sea, making our living from the riches of the sea (well, whatever got caught up in our net that day). Sitting in our boat, patiently waiting for the sun to go down so we could swim back to shore, dressed only in our hard-wearing cotton shorts.
Yes, we have just gone off on a completely weird fantasy tangent, but we have to entertain you somehow and we’re reining our secret urges back in right now. We promise not to sully your young innocent minds anymore. So, in summary, before we get off the track again: Dolce shorts make your legs look thinner, make you look taller and are the best pair of shorts we’ve seen all season – the only pair we’d like to wear ourselves – and if you had any sense, you’d move hell and high water to acquire a pair for yourself quick smart.
by Natalie Dembinska
