August 7, 2014 |
As The Vaselines sang, and Divine before them, “You think you’re a man, you are only a boy. You think you’re a man, you are only a toy.“ Because it’s true. You are a boy. Not a man. When you walk down the street do heads turn in slow motion, mouths falling open in awe? Do you pulsate with the raw power of nature? Do you drip with animal magnetism from every pore of your body? Do you smell Mediterranean and masculine? No. No you don’t. And you know why? Because you are a boy not a man. You smell of cheap things bought at Boots on a “3 for the price of 2”-offer week. Things that look like deodorants but aren’t deodorants. Things that are a curse. Men do not smell of Boots 3 for 2. Men smell of volcanoes and Sicily. Of Vulcano, in fact. They smell of Italian lemon and ginger. Which, as they are men, they also drink. Every morning when they wake. Because it is good for their circulation and skin. Men are known for their good circulation and skin. They also smell of cypress and lavender. And Haitian vetiver, which speaks of Haiti and Graham Greene, and was Greene not a man? He certainly wasn’t a boy. He was such a man that he even had a hotel room named after him in Port-au-Prince. Men also smell of cedar wood, and what is manlier than wood, or men working with wood, carving things from tree trunks? Men smell of ambrox. Simply put, men smell of Dolce & Gabbana. Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Discover Vulcano. Well, David Gandy does and what is he if not a man? Have you seen him reclining on that boat in those tiny white trunks against a backdrop of azure blue? He’s so masculine you can smell him, and it’s only a picture. Because no matter how much you wish you were on that boat with him, you’re not, and drawing yourself reclining next to him on the ad does not change that fact. And anyway, a real man wouldn’t draw himself in the pages of a magazine while dreaming of smelling like a man reclining on a boat. He would charter a plane to the place with the azure-blue backdrop, and then charter a boat, and then recline on it in his own tiny white trunks that he had purchased especially for the activity of reclining and, more importantly, smelling like a man. Or, in a move that would be much more cost effective and pulsate with confidence, he would just simply purchase a bottle of Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Discover Vulcano and recline on a park bench in his own clothes and watch heads turn as passers-by ask, “What is that delicious scent of man? Where is it coming from? Where is the man?”
By Natalie Dembinska
