Beauty School Dropout

Once upon a time, I attempted to be a beauty vlogger. You can still look it up on YouTube, if waking up screaming in the middle of the night is your thing. It has, in the three years since I posted it, managed to get three likes and eight dislikes. But would you expect anything less from a video that shows you how, using a fork, you can recreate Oprah Winfrey’s hair as featured on the September 2013 cover of her monthly magazine O?

The follow-up video, in which I recreated Cher’s hair as seen in her Women’s World video using newspaper and paperclips, has yet to see the light of day. It does, however, prove that there is some truth in that old saying “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. People who watch YouTube have eyes, and those eyes are not beholding beauty. I have eyes, too. Hence I know the travesty that does not pass for beauty to be found across my face. Needless to say, it certainly wasn’t enhanced by a blonde fro.

So without further ado, here are our 10 favourite beauty tips that, all going well, should leave you a vision of glowing beauty not seen since Cleopatra bathed in milk or Jocelyn Wildenstein first pulled back the flesh on her face so she could better resemble a cat. Obviously, there’s a small chance that these tips could leave you so mangled you’ll be able to make a career out of scaring small children (and not only at Hallowe’en), so they’re probably best not tried at home, or ever. But whatever. The important thing to remember is you’re worth it.

1. The key to a glowing complexion, or so we’ve read, is exfoliation. Yes, you could slough away those dead and dirty cells that live on your face with whatever grit you have to hand to reveal the angel within, or you could, quite simply, set your face on fire. The problem with exfoliation is that, like your skin, it’s dull. It also causes hand cramp. So why not try something known as the fire facial? It’s an anti-ageing treatment that has been gaining popularity in China and involves having your face covered in serum and an alcohol-soaked cloth placed on top that is then set alight, until a therapist decides to put out the fire with a wet towel. As long as you do nothing to irritate the therapist, your skin will rise from the ashes like a phoenix.

2. Regular readers will remember I once wrote a thing about turning back the clock via the medium of baby foetus. If it’s youth you’re after, what could turn back the hands of time as effectively as grafting the skin of one onto your face? It takes the meaning of “baby soft” to a whole new level. Anyway, it’s now possible. Well sort of, not entirely, but babies are involved. Fully formed babies. Ones that have been born. And what is this miraculous fountain of youth? The HydraFacial – a treatment that claims to involve harvesting “precious cells from babies’ foreskins to help resurface your skin for a youthful glow”.

3. We’ve always believed that freshness of breath and whiteness of teeth projects a positive image of personal hygiene, sending out a message to the world at large, one that says, “If my facial orifice is this blindingly clean, imagine how clean my other orifices are.” And so, how best to achieve and maintain peak mouth hygiene? Mouthwash. A cap full of Listerine and you’re fresher than an alpine car scent. Or you could just gargle a shot of urine. Like the Romans. Before you look away in disgust, remember that, unlike the creators of modern mouthwash, the Romans built an empire. And even better, it’s free. Which leaves you with more money for more worthy things. Just think of how much urine you’re wasting each day. Admittedly, the Romans were fans of Portuguese urine, believing it to be more potent than their own. But in this golden age of the World Wide Web, there’s no need to travel to other lands for a glass of piss. Just Google “Portuguese diet”, adopt it, and a mouth fresher than a Roman’s nut sack can be yours.

4. There are two types of freckle-inflicted people in the world. Those who feel they are inflicted with a terrible and deliberating condition that has chosen to manifest itself on their face and so must shy away from the world, preferably with a paper bag over their heads so as not to inflict the horror on the world at large. And then there are those who think they’re actually rather cute. Should you fall into the latter camp, go forth and bask in the summer sun. Should you not, may we recommend an old-school lavender freckle lotion. There really is nothing quite as effective as this in remedying any skin pigmentation issues you may be suffering. Thanks to its magic ingredient of hydrochloric acid, theoretically, once you have melted off your face, you should have also melted off your freckles. Admittedly, you’ll be left with no face to speak of, but then, sacrifices have to be made in the name of beauty. Remember, no gain without pain.

5. We’ve all read about the benefits of using haemorrhoid cream on your eyes. Nothing better de-puffs a bloated eye bag that has decided to attach itself to your face and just hangs there much like a colostomy bag between your legs. Let’s be honest, no one wants either. But just for a second, let’s be a little controversial and suggest another use for haemorrhoid cream: treating your haemorrhoids. Yes, this is a multitasking cream. Do you suffer from those pesky enlarged blood vessels on your anus? Do you want to be rid of them and return to the days when your anus was as smooth as a freshly plucked rosebud? Each morning, before you wake up, before you put on your make-up, squeeze out a little dab for under your eyes, and then a larger one for your favourite hole. Just remember: eyes first, anus second.

6. Do you suffer from acne? As in the skin condition, not some crippling mental obsession with a clothes brand that has led you to register on some 12-step programme? Does your face in any way resemble the dress Beyoncé wore to the Met Gala. Then we have the treatment for you: ergot. For those of you not already aware, ergot is basically the L in LSD. The fun part. Mix a little with some Vaseline and smear it all over those shimmering pustules, then wait to absorb that glorious hallucinogenic via the pores in your face. Because clean and clear skin is pretty much the be-all and end-all of a shallow person’s existence. And cleanliness is next to godliness and what is cleaner than clean, poreless skin? Smear enough on and you may even get to meet God. Or at least experience a flashback to that brief moment in 1995 when your skin was smoother than that of a baby seal. The effectiveness of the treatment lasts as long as your trip, so remember, the more you slather on, the longer-lasting the results.

7. Koreans, as we’ve discovered over recent years, are, to put it mildly, beauty obsessed. What other nation has time for a 13-step nightly beauty regime? We can barely find the four minutes required for tooth brushing, let alone a daily dump, but whatever. They’ve finally discovered one regime that we can all master, be you time rich or time poor. It’s what is known as the hangover, and there are two ways to achieve it. You could, through the art of contouring, surgery or fillers, achieve a face that looks alcohol soaked, the main goal being puffy eyes. Apparently, “happy eyes”, aka puffy eyes, make one look more youthful. Who knew? Or you could just go down the European route of downing a bottle of vodka, chasing it with five or so tequila shots and waking up with yesterday’s mascara and the contents of your fridge smeared across your face for a truly authentic take on the idea. Just remember to keep the white of the eyes bright by squeezing the juice of an orange into them. Yes, this will hurt, but what’s a little temporary blindness when the results can be this blinding.

8. Recently, especially when it comes to matters of vaginal health and hygiene, we’ve often found ourselves asking, ‘What would Gwyneth do?’ Steam, apparently. Vaginal steaming is more than just a steam douche. And if you’re asking yourself what a steam douche is, then shame on you for denying your snatch the energetic release it so rightly deserves. Steaming, however, is a time-consuming activity. So, if like us, you, too, would like to steam your snatch, but find that you can simply never find the time, allow us to come to the rescue. For now your vagina can be steamed from the comfort of your own home, for the price of whatever electricity costs these days. Yes, simply squat over your kettle when boiling the water for your morning coffee. Think of it as multitasking – the next frontier. Just look at the nozzle of that appliance. Do you really think it was designed with anything else in mind?

9. When it comes to hair removal, we have found that people tend to fall into two camps: those who wax and those who shave. Waxing is both painful and costly, though. And shaving requires a steady hand, something that, like Indiana Jones searching for the Holy Grail, we will never possess. However, there is another answer. Two in fact. Hallelujah! Personally, we’ve never tried either, so can’t speak of their effectiveness, but why should that stop you? You could either sandpaper that hair off your body, which has the added bonus of exfoliating your skin at the same time, leaving you both smooth and bloody (think of it as that blood-facial thing Kim Kardashian does for her face, but for your less attractive areas). Or you could quite simply mix up a concoction of arsenic and quicklime, a sort of pre-Nair Nair, which works best when washed off before your skin starts to peel from the bone. Or maybe leave it on for longer, if it’s permanent hair removal you seek. After all, have you ever seen a hairy bone?

10. Nothing, apparently, tastes as good as thin feels. Being fat ourselves we wouldn’t know. Believe us, we’ve tried. Bulimia was something we embraced fully and even mastered. In part. The part that involved eating. I mean, to quote Pete Burns, you are what you eat and who wants to be a lettuce? So how does one eat and stay thin? For those not blessed with the metabolism of a hyperactive five-year-old, may we suggest tapeworms. Yes, there are probably more than a few unpleasant, if not dangerous, side effects of choosing to host a parasite in your intestine, not to mention the knocking back of a couple of cysts that resemble throbbing jelly babies, but that’s a small price to pay for emaciation. And if tapeworms don’t appeal, there are always arsenic pills. Nothing feels as thin as death looks. And nothing looks as thin as death feels.

Illustration by Stephen Doherty

Taken from Issue 57 of 10 Magazine, TRUE RANDOM AUTHENTIC, on newsstands now…