June 7, 2011 |
FROM THE VOLT (SPRING SUMMER 2011)
When I first announced I was getting a dog, all my nearest and dearest were over the moon at the idea. All, that is, except my mum. ‘Ooh, a dog’s trouble,’ she declared, before sucking in her teeth in a rather theatrical (and, dare I say, a tad ‘urban’) way. Fast-forward six months and, as usual, the woman was right – so bloody right. Dogs are trouble! Of course, there’s all the obvious stuff (the barking, the chewing, the early mornings, the fact that a puppy will strew toilet paper and mangled bits of flotsam across the floor of your flat until it begins to resemble a Dash Snow-style heroin nest). But on top that, there’s all the things that no-one ever tell you (like, dog farts: literally the most evil smell ever devised!). So in order to puts things right and just in case you are ever tempted, as most men are, to get a dog (an eight-week-old blue whippet called Wilf, say), here’s 10 very solid and entirely reasonable reasons why you should never, ever, ever get a dog. Ever. Possibly.
1. YOU BECOME FECALLY-FIXATED.
I’m not sure if this is the correct clinical term for what it is but, to put it plainly, as a new dog-owner, you become obsessed with shit. Totally and utterly obsessed with shit: when was the last time your dog did one/is it time to go again/did said-shit have that same ‘dressed-crab-gone-horribly-wrong’ smell to it this time/was it kind of hard like chicken-liver pate or sloppy like that time your friend Danielle shat herself in a Ford Mondeo and it dribbled down her trouser leg… So on and so on, fecus infinitum. Why, you may ask? Because that’s basically all you spend your life doing from now on. Picking up shit off the pavement. Or the middle of the road. Or, if you’re really unlucky, the middle of the floor at that press day you thought it would be great fun to take Wilf along to. (FYI: it wasn’t. Apologies.) Isn’t it kind-of eww handling all that shit, friends will often ask. To which the answer is, yes it is kind-of eww but not as eww as you might think. And after a while, it loses all sense of eww and become like second-nature…which, in itself, is probably a bit eww). And speaking of friends…
2. YOU BEGIN TO QUESTION YOUR FEMALE FRIENDS MOTIVES.
Of course, when you first mooted the idea of getting a dog, all your gorgeousgalpals were just as excited as excited can be: offering to look after him when you went on holiday, declaring that they were going to throw you a ‘puppy baby shower’, emailing you images of the Mulberry Fair Isle coat they were going to buy him etc etc. Naturally, you were rather disappointed, then, when all their talk of rabbit fur-lined collars and designer coats boiled down to a packet of organic dog biscuits and some scented ‘doo-bags’ but you found it in your heart to forgive them (mainly due to the fact that you needed to keep them sweet for regular dog-walking duties….) However, when you discovered that these friends – friends, ha! – refused to call Puppy by his real name instead referring to him simply as CM (or ‘Cock Magnet’ to give him his full title), you began to suspect that their motives were not entirely true and pure. This hunch was compounded when you discovered that said-friends’ idea of dogwalking would be to take the puppy only as far as the pub, where they would then use him as bait to lure hot young males into uncompromising situations (kind of like old men lurking outside the school gates only marginally less sinister). Devious sluts! You were further saddened to discover the fact that they actually planned their pub outfits around CM’s colourway (“Fortunately most things go with grey”). All of which would be galling enough were it not for the fact that…
3. ALL YOU ATTRACT IS CRAZY PEOPLE.
Whilst you absolutely didn’t purchase Puppy in order to have jolly-yet-innocuous flirtations with admiring hot-boys in the park (honest!), what you didn’t bargain on was the sheer volume of Loopiness your canine companion would attract. Like some kind of four-legged Pied Piper of Crazy, each outing with Puppy seems to bring forth a fresh tsumani of the demented and highly-damaged. Toothless Guy In Soiled Spiderman Leggings? Absolutely loves him. Old Lady Who Is Actually Not Old Or Indeed A Lady? Ditto. Man Who Spits At Children Outside Chicken Shop? Now saves up the bones that people drop outside said-Chicken Shop just to give to Puppy (Btw: Not Organic!). Of course, you are more than happy to chat to anyone who comes your way, it’s all part of life’s rich tapestry etc etc but FOR FUCK’S SAKE WOULD IT HURT FOR JUST ONE HOT GUY TO STOP AND PAT HIM PLEASE?
4.YOU BECOME INSANELY COMPETITIVE.
Where once you would see a cute dog and think ‘aah, what a cute dog’, now you see a cute dog and think ‘God, is that dog actually cuter than mine and if so how can I annihilate it?’ (or words to that effect). Indeed when your admittedly very-poorly-trained-whippet accidentally tramples on Smug Islington Couple’s 8-week-old ‘jack-shund’ at puppy socalisation class, you are secretly glad and telepathically reward very-poorly-trained-whippet with a telepathic dog biscuit (admittedly you are not so glad when the class leader politely asks you not to come back again and recommends you attend another class for ‘special dogs’ instead). Any dog that comes with a mile radius is thus a potential threat to the all-conquering cuteness of your dog. And it goes without saying, of course, that ‘Fashion Dogs’ – those lucky canines belonging to members of the Sartorial Elite – are the biggest competition. Thus, you spend the evening of the 10 Anniversary Party comparing every last detail of your respective hound with that of Burberry Sylvia’s, right down to respective penis sizes…which, weirdly enough, you both have pictures of on your phones (FYI: Sylvia’s is bigger, dammit). Oh and would people PLEASE stop mentioning how lovely Emma from Vogue’s whippet is? It’s making Wilf feel very upset…
5.YOU BECOME RATHER PATHETIC.
Like those gaga voices that new parents put on when talking to their freshly-squeezed progeny, you inevitably adopt a similar baby-ish timbre when addressing your dog. You also develop a voice in which ‘he’ answers you (in this instance, somewhere between John Hurt in The Elephant Man – “you’ve all been sooo kind” – and a pre-transition Lauren Harries). Said owner of the dog and said owner’s boyfriend’s think this is just the cutest thing ever. Said owner’s friends and associates think this is sad as fuck. And not a little bit creepy…
6. YOU WILL BE INSULTED IN THE STREET.
Okay, so perhaps this doesn’t happen to everyone but, heads-up, can people please stop telling me that I look like my dog? This is really not a compliment to either me or the dog since all people are really saying is that a) both parties could do with a good feed and b) both have rather big noses. Both a) and b) are pretty self-evident, so let’s just nip this in bud, okay?
7. YOU BECOME SUCH A CLICHÉ.
Especially when you and your Significant Homosexual Other are carrying your puppy down East London’s Premier Farmers’ Market on a late Saturday morning that other clichés (Japo-American workwear boy, a girl in full fifties get-up FFS) openly point and snigger at you as you pass by.What’s that about?
8. YOU REALISE THAT YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE FROM THE SLOW-YET-INEVITABLE RAVAGES OF TIME AND THAT YOU, TOO, WILL EVENTUALLY DIE.
Obviously, this isn’t the first thought that crosses your mind when you go to collect your new puppy. However, you do realise pretty quickly that Having A Dog is an excellent excuse for extricating yourself from almost any social situation. Drinks with vague acquaintances, boring fashion parties (NOT the 10 one, obvs), babysitting duties? All out of the question, sorry. It’s only when you realise that you haven’t actually gone out on a school night for at least two months and can’t remember the last time you went to a nightclub (you even call them ‘nightclubs’…) that you begin to wonder if this dog thing was such a great idea. In an entirely roundabout way, getting a dog is therefore a constant reminder that you are getting old.
9. YOU END UP WRITING A COLUMN ABOUT YOUR DOG (SOMETHING YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER EVER DO)
Just because you’re a little bit-slash-totally obsessed and besotted with said-dog and the only way you can get it out of your system is to bore other people with it.
10. OH, JUST BLOODY GET ONE THEN.
