July 18, 2013 |
This is the future. The future as in tomorrow. Not 2513. It is white. It gleams. And when light reflects off it, it can blind, too. Not permanently. More a temporary blinding. A momentary loss of vision. And so we must prepare. Prepare for tomorrow so that we can conquer the world. We must arm ourselves with the right attire and accessories. We must arm ourselves with Dior Homme. Sleek suiting made of technical (think waterproof. Wipe down. Not cashmere. This repels rather than absorbs stains) fabrications and finished with nylon trims. In a pared-down palette of neutrals. Black. White. And navy. Fastened with zips, not buttons, for speed and a streamlined silhouette. Belts with buckle fastenings worn around the waist. The world is moving quickly around us, so buckle up and strap in. And get a bag. You need a bag. Carrying things in your pocket will ruin the streamlined effect of your suit. The bag you choose will be an extension of your chosen attire. Take note of the bag on this page. Admire how it reflects the linear aesthetic of the suiting. It is streamlined. A slim, rounded briefcase made of ribbed neoprene and edged with black leather. Ribbed is the 3-D equivalent of a go-faster stripe. You can hear the wind whoosh when you move at speed in the future; the future is speedy, not slow, as it glides against the grooves. They echo the pinstripes and straight lines of the red seeing eye, which sort of leads us to wonder is Kris a member of the Illuminati? Or a Freemason? Or, even better, a member of the Lucis Trust, whose name is derivative of Satan, and who in 1937 formed a subsidiary group called Triangles, and encouraged people to form three-person triangle groups for “meditation”. Anyway, the lines are straight like the triangle part of the seeing eye. Not the circle of the iris and pupil. That’s round. Like the contours of the bag. And the handles. Of which there are two. Made from a matt black leather and round. They rise like arches above the bag. Like a McDonald’s M arch but a half-N, more like an N. An N arch. Should you wish to carry your bag in another way (holding handles is more businessman than speedy future), there’s a longer strap, attached with a pair or rather smart silver hooks, thus making it detachable, which allows you to swing said bag over your body, ensuring that your hands are free to grasp at anything the future should hold for you. Hands-free bags also make it easier to do things, such as run for the bus. Or drink a can of Stella. You could also use the longer strap to swing the bag over your head and hit a mugger. Or an alien invader, seeing as it’s the future. It multitasks. The future is all about things that multitask. Like bags.
by Natalie Dembinska
