May 18, 2015 |
The Tommy Hilfiger man is a man we all want to be. Or, if the thought of the Tommy Hilfiger man naked makes your testicles tingle, be with. Sexually. Here are some pointers for achieving the former: being a Tommy Hilfiger man, who, for simplicity’s sake, we’ll call Tommy. The first thing you need to know about Tommy is he is a man’s man. And they are hunter-gatherers. They hunt, they shoot, they fish. Can you “dispatch” a chicken? Tommy can. And here’s how you do it. Cup the chicken’s head with the heel of your right hand. Jerk down hard and twist, and with your left hand pull upward. The chicken’s neck will have dislocated and it will have died a quick and painless death. Easy. But in order to hunt and gather (ie, do more than dispatching chickens), you will need some muscle mass. You know, to carry home the animal you have slaughtered. So, if you’re not already, get hench. Tommy is not heroine chic. He is Hilfiger man, not a Slimane (Slim-man) boy. So, depending on whether you’re a 10-tonne Tom or a 6st Steve, boil down or bulk up. But be subtle. Tommy is naturally hench (or appears to be), not hench through blood, sweat and protein shakes. And while we’re on the topic of physicality, let’s talk about Tommy’s looks: he is handsome. Impossibly handsome. So, to be like Tommy, you need to be, too. If Mother Nature hasn’t dealt you a good hand, a plastic surgeon can. At a price, of course. Look at Zac Efron. Once a horn-nosed hump of a man, now a dishy, dashing demigod. Money well spent. And don’t forget your teeth. Tommy’s pearly whites are, well, pearly and white. So if your teeth resemble a set of sugar puffs, take a trip to Harley Street. But if you’re as poor as the condition of your gnashers, then invest in some Sensodyne (available from Boots at £4.49). And now to body hair. Do not manscape. I repeat: do not manscape. Tommy is wild and free. And so is his body hair. So it’s time back, sack and crack took a holiday from Veet. Give poor Paula down at Top to Toe beauty salon a break from ripping out your curly whirlies every two weeks. Poor hen. And finally to clothes. For Tommy, clothes aren’t about expressing anything. They’re not about making a statement. They are for making him look hot. Red hot. Keep-away-from-flammable-liquids hot. Whether he’s at work in his classic suit, in the country in his gilet, or on the beach in his Hawaiian-print swimming trunks, his clothes make him look like the hunting-gathering, hench and impossibly handsome man that he is. And they’ll make any man aspiring to be like him look the same.
Picture: Courtesy of Tommy Hilfiger
By Ted Stansfield
